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OkieFish's Fishin' Jokes


Ole OkieFish's Run Ins With The Game Wardens"


The Game Warden always wanted to go fishin' with Ole OkieFish because he always caught fish. Well, one day he finally he got his chance, when Ole Okiefish invited him to go along. It wasn't long till they got to Ole OkieFish's favorite spot and anchored. Ole OkieFish reaches down into his tackle box and pulls out a stick of dynamite...lit it and threw it in the lake.
and there's fish floating all over the place. "Whoa" said the warden "that's illegal". Well, Ole OkieFish just reaches in and pulls out another stick. He lights it and throws it in

more fish. The Warden says, "OkieFish, I am going to have to
arrest you if you do that again". Well, Ole OkieFish just reaches
in the tackle box and again pulls out another stick. He lights it
and tosses it to the Warden and said "Now, air ya gonna talk all day or fish"?


Why Fishing is better than Sex:
1. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

The Trained Fish

Ole OkieFish was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Oklahoma recently with two buckets of fish leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked Ole OkieFish, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Okiefish replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes sir. Ever night I take these here fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for a while, I whistles and theys jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

Okiefish looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll shows ya. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. OkieFish poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to OkieFish and said, "Well,

"Wells, What?" OkieFish responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call whos back?" OkieFish asked.

"The FISH!!!"

"Wha'  fish?" OkieFish asked.                                                        _____________________________________________________

Don't Mess With Mrs. OkieFish!

OkieFish and his wife Mrs. OkieFish went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. Of course Ole OkieFish liked to fish at the crack of dawn; while Mrs. OkieFish preferred to read. One morning OkieFish returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Mrs. OkieFish decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the game ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate Mrs. OkieFish.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the warden.

"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read especially Mrs. OkieFish!


Another Mrs. OkieFish Adventure!

 Mrs. OkieFish goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for Ole OkieFish for his birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.  She says, "Excuse me sir...can ya tell me anything about this rod and reel?"  He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "LIB--That's amazing that ya can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I think it's what Ole OkieFish would like, so I'll take it."  He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.  At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.  He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."


Went Fishing Got Caught!

 Okiefish phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"



OkieFish's fishin buddy, "Bill", was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

Bill tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

Bill says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."


The Sermon

 OkieFish was in Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....
"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said...

"If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down.

Then, OkieFish stood up and with a sheepish smile on his face and said:
"now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134,



Bumper Sticker

On OkieFish's 1962 Chevy Pick-up his bumper sticker says: 

Driver Carries NO MONEY! His Wife Has It!     


Grandpa! Grandpa!

 OkieFish's Grandson Comes Running Into The Room and Says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?"

OkieFish says, "I Don't Know, Why?"

The Grandson Says, "Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Sell Your Boat And Go To Disney World!"


You might just be a Cousin to OkieFish if:

1. You have a power worm dangling from you rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.

2. You wedding party has to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.

3. You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "Skeeter."

4. Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.

5. You keep a flippin' stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.

6. You get 40 to life because your teenager asked you to buy a jet ski.

7. You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".

8. Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.

9. You honeymooned on Lake Fork - ALONE.

10. You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.

11. You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.

12. You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.

13. You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.

14. You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a polomar knot.

15. Your wife wears green lipstick so you'll kiss her more.

16. You think there are four seasons - Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post spawn and Hunting.

17. Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer need's tires so you "borrow" the one's off your trailer house.

18. Your wife tells you she is feeling "frisky" but you don't know what she means until she explains she wants to spawn.

19. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.

20. Your kids know it's Saturday - because the boat is gone.


OkieFish's New Motor!

Ole OkieFish wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 50, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."


OkieFish & His Buddies

OkieFish and three of his buddies Bill, Timmie, & Glen have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly twenty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, OkieFish lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Ole OkieFish sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. Bill finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." OkieFish replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"


Ole OkieFish had been fishing all day and had just pulled into the dock, when a idiot on shore asked, "Did you catch all them fish?" Ole OkieFish replied, "Nope, talked them into giving up."


There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of Oklahoma.... Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus
and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and start fishn' and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. Still, every morning, for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally....Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a minute. Chewed his bottom lip for another minute. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonin' across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.....


"Rufus!" cried the Missus.  "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...... I stepped up on the bridge..... walked halfway over the bridge.... looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches'. He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

OkieFish's New Lure Design



Uncle Thadius came a visitin:

Ole Okiefish's Uncle Thadius and Ant Thelma came by to visit while the Crappie were runnin on Kaw Lake. Uncle Thadius is 97 and he always takes his home away from home with him where ever he goes. Looks the same as his old homeplace back in Tennessee, only smaller. That wood burnin fireplace just about did her in durin' the Ice Storm! He complained about the TV stations not a haven Bill Dance and Jimmy (As UT calls him) HE HE Houston on channel 4. He went shoppin' fur a new bath tub at Wal-Mart, said Aunt Thelma had out growd that #5 wash tub! Ant Thelma is UT's forth wife, ole UT buried the first three, he said "Them first three where pint size women, but Thelma is 2 Quart size, but sur is fun to hitched to a younger woman, why she'll be 89 next year!" By the way furgot to mention cousin Ruffus came also, sure was proud to start gettin them social security checks last month. Ruffus has the upstairs bedroom, I thank he's a wayvin from the windar!

OkieFish's Valentine's Card To Mrs. OkieFish


Collards is green

my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have
a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
 I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
 for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...



Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design.

This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material.

We've all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.

If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.

If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything. "IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776.

If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation from many people". Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.  Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag,13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for minorities: the 13th Amendment.

I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.

Provided by Den Dixon

Four Worms and a lesson 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon!!!!

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. 
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. 
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:  

The first worm in alcohol
 -  Dead.  

The second worm in cigarette smoke
 -  Dead  

Third worm in chocolate syrup
  - Dead  

Fourth worm in good clean soil
  - Alive.  

So the Minister asked the congregation - 

What can you learn from this demonstration? 

OkieFish was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said,  

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'  

That pretty much ended the service






Be sure and check out OkieFish's

9th cousin removed









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Copyright (c) 2001 5954 E Hubbard Rd Ponca City, OK 74604

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