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"A DYNAMITE FISHERMAN"
The Game Warden always wanted to go fishin' with Ole OkieFish because he
always caught fish. Well, one day he finally he got his chance, when Ole
Okiefish invited him to go along. It wasn't long till they got to Ole
OkieFish's favorite spot and anchored. Ole OkieFish reaches down into his
tackle box and pulls out a stick of dynamite...lit it and threw it in the
lake.
KA-BOOM!!
and there's fish floating all over the place. "Whoa" said the warden
"that's illegal". Well, Ole OkieFish just reaches in and pulls out
another stick. He lights it and throws it in
KA-BOOM!!,
more fish. The Warden says, "OkieFish, I am going to have to
arrest you if you do that again". Well, Ole OkieFish just reaches
in the tackle box and again pulls out another stick. He lights it
and tosses it to the Warden and said "Now, air ya gonna talk all day or
fish"?
___________________________________________________
Why Fishing is better than Sex:
1. You don't have to hide your
Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once
in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your
Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if
you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with
long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty
about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object
if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued
for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your
life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest
in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last
week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
The Trained Fish
Ole OkieFish was stopped by a
game-warden in Northern Oklahoma recently with two buckets of fish
leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked Ole
OkieFish, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Okiefish replied to the game warden,
"No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes sir. Ever night I take these here
fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for a while, I whistles
and theys jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do
that!"
Okiefish looked at the game warden for
a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll shows ya. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game
warden was curious now. OkieFish poured the fish in to the river and
stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to
OkieFish and said, "Well,
"Wells, What?" OkieFish responded.
"When are you going to call them back?"
The game warden
prompted.
"Call whos back?" OkieFish asked.
"The FISH!!!"
"Wha' fish?" OkieFish
asked.
_____________________________________________________
Don't Mess With Mrs.
OkieFish!
OkieFish and his wife Mrs. OkieFish
went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. Of course Ole OkieFish
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; while Mrs. OkieFish preferred to
read. One morning OkieFish returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. Mrs. OkieFish decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat,
and started reading her book. Along comes the game ranger in his boat,
pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy
blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate Mrs.
OkieFish.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the warden.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read especially Mrs.
OkieFish!
___________________________________________
Another Mrs. OkieFish
Adventure!
Mrs.
OkieFish goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for Ole OkieFish
for his birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart
"associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me
sir...can ya tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says,
"Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell
you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She
says, "LIB--That's amazing that ya can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what Ole OkieFish
would like, so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the
register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At
first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he
could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the
only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be
$25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50." |
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Went Fishing Got Caught!
Okiefish phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something
has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes,
my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be
home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk
pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle
box!"
_____________________________________________________
Bill
OkieFish's fishin buddy, "Bill",
was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into
one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"
Bill tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.
His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many
fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
Bill says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have
in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
_____________________________________________________
The Sermon
OkieFish was in Church on Sunday
morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a
sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....
"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15
minutes later when he said...
"If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down.
Then, OkieFish stood up and with a sheepish smile on his face and
said:
"now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn
number 134,
LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
_____________________________________________________
Bumper Sticker
On OkieFish's 1962 Chevy Pick-up
his bumper sticker says:
Driver
Carries NO MONEY! His Wife Has It!
_____________________________________________________
Grandpa! Grandpa!
OkieFish's Grandson Comes Running
Into The Room and Says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like
A Frog?"
OkieFish says, "I Don't Know, Why?"
The Grandson Says, "Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can
Sell Your Boat And Go To Disney World!"
_____________________________________________________
You
might just be a
Cousin to OkieFish if:
1. You have a
power worm dangling from you rear view mirror because you think it
makes a good air freshener.
2. You wedding
party has to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3. You call
your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "Skeeter."
4. Your local
tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5. You keep a
flippin' stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6. You get 40
to life because your teenager asked you to buy a jet ski.
7. You name
your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
8. Bass Pro
Shop has a private line just for you.
9. You
honeymooned on Lake Fork - ALONE.
10. You have
your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
11. You have a
photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your
family.
12. You
consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
13. You think
MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
14. You send
your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a
polomar knot.
15. Your wife
wears green lipstick so you'll kiss her more.
16. You think
there are four seasons - Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post spawn and Hunting.
17. Your
$30,000 bass boat's trailer need's tires so you "borrow" the one's
off your trailer house.
18. Your wife
tells you she is feeling "frisky" but you don't know what she means
until she explains she wants to spawn.
19. You trade
your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in
the garage.
20. Your kids know it's Saturday -
because the boat is gone.
_____________________________________________________
OkieFish's New Motor!
Ole OkieFish wrote to a mail order
house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines
for my boat you show on page 50, and if it's any good, I'll send you
a check."
In a short time he received the
following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the
engine."
_____________________________________________________
OkieFish & His Buddies
OkieFish and three of his buddies
Bill, Timmie, & Glen have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly
twenty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when
a funeral processional drives by. Well, OkieFish lays down his
 pole, stands up in the
boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This
processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it
passes, Ole OkieFish sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without
saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his
actions. Bill finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful
thing you did there when they went by." OkieFish replied, "It seems
the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for
over forty years!"
_____________________________________________________
Ole OkieFish
had been fishing all day and had just pulled into the dock, when a
idiot on shore asked, "Did you catch all them fish?" Ole OkieFish
replied, "Nope, talked them into giving up."
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RUFUS AND CLARENCE
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of Oklahoma....
Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus
and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and
start fishn' and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I
cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky
stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny
butt!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge.
Still, every morning, for another five years this yelling across the
river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally....Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day.
"I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin'
to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a minute. Chewed his bottom lip for another minute.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonin'
across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to
the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the
bridge, looked up.....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR,
BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN, PANTING AND GASPING, AND DOVE
UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's
butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge......
I stepped up on the bridge..... walked halfway over the bridge....
looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6
inches'. He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the
river!!!!!!!"
 OkieFish's
New Lure Design
Uncle Thadius
came a visitin:
Ole Okiefish's Uncle Thadius and Ant
Thelma came by to visit while the Crappie were runnin on Kaw Lake.
Uncle Thadius is 97 and he always takes his home away from home with
him where ever he goes. Looks the same as his old homeplace back in
Tennessee, only smaller. That wood burnin fireplace just about did her
in durin' the Ice Storm! He complained about the TV stations not a
haven Bill Dance and Jimmy (As UT calls him) HE HE Houston on channel
4. He went shoppin' fur a new bath tub at Wal-Mart, said Aunt Thelma
had out growd that #5 wash tub! Ant Thelma is UT's forth wife, ole UT
buried the first three, he said "Them first three where pint size
women, but Thelma is 2 Quart size, but sur is fun to hitched to a
younger woman, why she'll be 89 next year!" By the way furgot to
mention cousin Ruffus came also, sure was proud to start gettin them
social security checks last month. Ruffus has the upstairs bedroom, I
thank he's a wayvin from the windar!
OkieFish's Valentine's
Card To Mrs. OkieFish
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have
a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore
arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct
tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those
far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of
dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's
perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
 Me
'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
 like
a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and
couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you
sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without
taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
THE UNITED
STATES ONE DOLLAR BILL
Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one dollar bill you're
looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design.
This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with
red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually
material.
We've all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is
used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols
and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give
it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States
Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced
budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an
even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's
all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar
bill is something we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles,
together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First
Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of
men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this
task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the
face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just
beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we
could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped, again
signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the
capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity.
It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group
of men, with the help of God, could do anything. "IN GOD WE TRUST" is
on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means,
"God has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS
ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the base of the
pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776.
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will
learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is
also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National
Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly
modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it
is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the
symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons:
First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart
enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had
just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is
unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that
shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We
were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read,
"E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation from many people". Above the
Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original
colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again,
we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his
talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace,
but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle
always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a
worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any
hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this: 13 original
colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on
our flag,13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13
letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that
shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look
closely, 13 arrows. And, for minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't
know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many
veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many
veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many
veterans never came home at all.
Provided by Den Dixon
Four Worms and a lesson
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon!!!!
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol -
Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke -
Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
OkieFish was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!'
That pretty much ended the service
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